AS DISCUSSED IN the previous post, we can improve our future by the way we choose to think. But here is something else to consider: We can also improve our past. It is our decision how we choose to remember it.
The physical structure of our brain is in part contoured by the way that we choose to think. We have the ability to alter and shape many of our own neural pathways.
Similar to an orchardist who cuts away the diseased branches of a tree, our brain will prune away unnecessary neural pathways. There is only so much real estate to go around, therefore non-utilized circuits are disassembled to make room for something new or more important.
Just like everything else in the human body, you use it or you lose it. If we choose to dredge up unpleasant memories, we breathe new life into unhealthy brain pathways – dying limbs that would otherwise soon be clipped away.
William Shakespeare wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
When recalling your past, consider that you are writing a historical novel about your life – with a few well-placed edits; telling a compelling story of fun times and interesting adventures. It need not be a documentary that meticulously catalogues every unfortunate event that has ever happened to you. There is no outside agency interested in checking your story for accuracy.
PAIN IS INEVITABLE, SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
Consider two friends, each of whom had a difficult upbringing. One chooses to often recall the bad times of the past; the anger, tension and shouting that she endured as a child. Her memory is indeed accurate, as there were many difficult days in her younger life. However, by constantly recalling painful experiences, old wounds are reopened; and thus, she now suffers.
There is a teaching in the Buddhist tradition that says, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” It suggests that after being pierced by a first arrow of pain, it is quite possible to avoid a second arrow of suffering.
The other friend does not deny being struck by the first arrow; the past moments of pain and anguish that she experienced as a child. But she decides to accept that she is the composite of her life experiences, both good and bad. And she decides to love what is.
When thinking of her past, she chooses to recall mostly the good times – her mother singing melodies at the piano, and her father helping to build projects for show-and-tell at school. She understands that her parents were at times imperfect; reflecting a signature characteristic common to all of humanity. She realizes that they had their own private demons to battle; and old wounds of their own to nurse.
So, she chooses not to suffer, but rather to forgive. She discovers that grace heals. Reflecting on the sunny days of her youth, she often finds herself smiling and laughing. She creates her own happiness.
EMBITTERED OR ENNOBLED?
Memories of negative experiences need not be completely whitewashed away; but they can be reframed in a more positive light. Here is a mental exercise:
Build a box in your mind, and now place within this box all of the bad days you have ever experienced. Include all of your failures and mistakes; all of the unkind words spoken by you or others; all of the unfairness of a life exposed to the vicissitudes of fortune. Now put the box up in the attic.
The box will always be there; a dusty relic containing the difficult moments of your past. But the painful experiences within the box soon begin to partly fade away, as they exist only in your memory. The actual events have long vanished. It is okay to acknowledge the contents of the box; but you need not often reach into it, dragging out old demons to resuscitate back to life.
Consider the box and its contents as just a single entity, rather than mulling over the particularities of each individual item. It is just one box. Realize that its contents are an essential part of what made you who you are today. As noted by author Stephen Covey, “Character is often forged in crucibles of pain.”
For those that choose to find some usefulness and purpose in a painful past, the composite of challenging times may even be transformed into a treasure – perhaps manifesting as greater insight into the pain and suffering endured by their brothers and sisters throughout the world. In The Book of Joy, Archbishop Desmond Tutu explains that we have the choice to allow our travails to either embitter or ennoble us.
What a beautiful idea, to suggest that we can be ennobled by our struggles. Knowing firsthand the piercing sting of the first arrow, we can ascribe meaning to our pain; and perhaps then help others to escape similar arrows of pain and suffering.
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Time does indeed assuage the pain of all wounds; if only we choose to let it happen. Our neural circuits have been designed to discard the dead wood of many of our prior misadventures; but we must decide to let them go.
Choose to remember the happy moments of your life. Recall the pleasant days of your childhood, your successes in life, and the grand adventures that you have had. Visualize many more great days to come.
Improve your future. Improve your past.
Thinking makes it so.